220625: I DISSENT.

220625: I DISSENT.

Breathe. That has been my mantra + my only self-directive for the last 20 or so hours. Breathe.

Friday, June 24th, 2022. It’s 10:05a. I have felt my phone vibrating intermittently in my back left pocket for several minutes. I’m have just arrived at work. I work at Starbucks + the shift I have clocked-in to is a mess. I uncertain why my phone is so demanding of my attention, but I can’t look at my phone just yet. I’ve been charged with straightening out the mess I’ve walked into.

I woke up this morning not well. I have felt unwell since Monday. COVID test negative. Nothing major, I am sure. Also, I am not quite right. I feel overly fatigued. Even felt slightly unsafe for me to drive. This morning I was tempted to callout of work to sleep + to recover. Instead, I am here. It’s a mess. My phone vibrates again. I am still not able to check it.

10:13a. My phone vibrates again. The sequence of vibration tells me it’s a call. I reach to look. Over the headset I am wearing for drive-thru orders I hear, “well the Supreme Court just overturned Roe v. Wade so there’s that.” My heart plummets. My stomach sours. I am going to be sick. My phone screen shining up to me from my hand confirms my 19-year old co-worker’s proclamation. More voices over the headset, “I do not even understand what it means.” I am going to be sick. I take off my headset + head to the restroom. Breathe.

6-years ago, without hesitation, I would have walked out of my jobs (I always have at least two) at that moment, driven to our state capitol + stood shield-to-shield with other warriors screaming until my throat bled. A bleeding throat is not something they are restricting. Not yet. Now, like many, due to a mortgage, a car payment + such I am tethered to my jobs (at least for today) so I am scream unrelenting within. My throat still feels as if it is bleeding. Breathe.

Though this news is life changing + devastating, our lives (our culture) does not always hold space for us to sit + to process. My life in this moment requires me to straighten the turmoil that is my work environment + remain the smiling purveyor of our customer’s favorite caffeinated beverage. I will not be granted a quiet moment for several hours as this shift links to another at my second job. However, I do find some solace in a few transactions. Through shared defeated glances we look for assurance within each other. Tears in our eyes. The drink I am serving is a momentary salve to another who is as equally shattered by the morning’s announcement. They didn’t know what more to do than to find comfort in their regular drink, + providing their regular drink is the only support I can offer at this time. We do not share words or our rage aloud. Breathe.

Saturday, June 25th, 2022. It’s 6:23a. I am awake because I am coaching this morning. I’d be awake anyways. My eyelids are swollen + heavy from from the fits + the tears the night brought. I can not fully open them. Busted capillaries discolor the skin around my eyes.

The announcement of Roe v. Wade being overturned by the SCOTUS is gutting. It has left a taste of bile in my mouth + created a sense of unease in the air. Knowing that it was coming did not lessen the impact of it falling on us. Us. All. Everyone. Some impacted more than others. All impacted. Roe is the first. We know more will fall. The eeriness is palpable. I feel a sense of angst + unease as if there is a threat close by. A similar feeling as when you walk alone to your car on a dark night. You hear footsteps. You don’t see who/what is there. Yet.

I ready myself to coach. My thoughts, heartbreak, fear + rage will have to wait again. I pack them all with care, place them in rubbermaid + put them on a shelf in my mind to unpack later. Lifting the hurt inside makes my arms feel heavy. They will be there for me to face later. I snap my watch closure. It has not been 24-hours.

I do not have my thoughts sorted. I have not processed all of my emotions. I do not know what to do. I do not have the right words. I do not have a plan. Yet.

“Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” RAGE. RAGE!! RAGE!!!