210116: SQUIRREL! Highly Caffeinated + Tightly Wound

Have you seen the animated movie “Over the Hedge”? It’s a Dreamworks film based on a comic strip where a now suburban, mix species forest family are processing their forest being invaded by Stepford America while helping a raccoon pay back a debt to grouchy bear. The animated metaphor of over consumption + greed of our culture but that’s not why I am referencing it.

(Mingo Note: It is highly likely that I will frequently use movies or shows for reference in most of my posts… My brain speaks in movie quotes + the broad relatability is super convenient.)

In the movie, I felt particularly drawn to a very tightly wound squirrel named Hammy. His wide-eyed, constantly moving, twitchy behavior seemed to be written directly about me. Additionally, the rule set forth by his forest family that he was forbidden to have soda or energy drinks struck me deep… Both my partner + coworkers have decreed, I am not authorized to have espresso. I also have a self-imposed rule never to drink an energy drink because I can’t even stand me when I am that caffeinated.

Well, in the movie circumstances arise where the family actually “needs” Hammy to be caffeinated. He eagerly pops the top + BAM! The world seems to crawl in super, slow motion while he strolls through at his normal rhythm. Striding through the chaos of the scene at what feels like a completely natural pace to him but is 100mph quicker than the rest.

On any given moment, similar circumstance are occurring in my mind. Operating at a pace of caffeinated squirrel, my thoughts party to jazz music played at 3x speed. My brain tactically sprints through a seemingly chaotic scene that is spiraling neither downward or upward, propelling at different angles, flipping directions + changing perspectives like the backward vortex of Alice’s rabbit hole. Tracking on that?

(Uff-dah, did I just squeeze in a second movie reference in one post? False. That was a book first. Boom.)

Ok, bringing it back in. The squirrel (I) may not always seem to fit + may at times even be off-putting. However, a highly caffeinated, tightly wound squirrel not only serves a purpose but is an essential part to the tapestry of life. It’s a spice that elevates a bland moment, the energy to lift a lull in a room, an out-of-left-field dad joke that cushions a silence + a genuine enthusiasm brought in to share in someone else’s excitement.

I spent over 20yrs of my life, the majority of which to my painful detriment, trying not to be the squirrel. Trying to deny what was natural, comfortable + normal for me. You know that ole chestnut… I was attempting to fit what I thought I was supposed to or should be. A big part of my journey + an even bigger part of what it means for me to Live My Mettle is to embrace + live as my most true squirrel-like self. This realization occurred a single milligram at time over a few years then struck suddenly like lightning by the gulping of the “red pill” (ok, totally another movie reference). I literally felt struck to my very core. Every atom of me shook + felt electric. It was exhausting + a bit challenging to process.

Going deep for a moment…

For nearly an entire year I withdrew from the world. I turned abruptly inside staying externally connected to only a select few. I was engulfed by a crushing sea of emotions. Feelings of grief for time lost + regret for so many missed opportunities. Feelings of gratitude for having the experience at all. Then, feeling an incredible since of empowerment + confidence for getting to really know who I am + how I am. Becoming self-aware for me was a painful first step in being self-aware. Becoming + being are different. I have taken this first step a few times in life + I was a very different person for each of those moments. Each time, the deep burn, hurt + loss of the person I was was creating the next evolution of who I was going to be. I feel it is very important to say that this evolution is a fairly recent occurrence + I am certain it will not be the last.

As for now… My name is Mindi. I am a highly caffeinated, tightly wound squirrel. Though the highly caffeinated part does not always mean I am actually caffeinated… That’s just how I appear because you know, SQUIRREL! I am high energy, slightly twitchy, excitable, busy-bodied, thinks in tangles, operates fast pace, fairly neurotic, action focused, leaps while over-thinking it + that’s just a piece of it. I happily + proudly own each piece as I am.